Village life.
You have decided to move to the country. Many hours trawling the interweb, estate agents’ many miles in the car until you found it, the little white cottage with roses creeping across the walls, mature well-established gardens front and rear. Deals done moving van booked you are on your way to your own private Nirvana.
However, there are rules to follow and warnings plenty.
1. The church will have a bell, and it will always be rung while you are sleeping off Saturday night in the pub. It will be loud.
2. There will be a group of women watching your every move, they are easily identified large fronted, tweed skirts, matching jackets, thick stockings, and sensible brown shoes, they may be wearing a disapproving scowl and a double-string pearl necklace.
3. The aforementioned groups have toppled governments, and repelled foreign invaders, they can also muster an army of support for their chosen cause within moments. you have been warned.
4. You will not be considered a member of the community nor will your children. It takes three generations before complete acceptance within the community is established.
5. You must attend village meetings fetes and social events.
6. Every year the garden society holds a competition for the best fruit and vegetable grown and cake baked. You must enter. Arthur Skogins always wins the biggest leeks carrots and onions, as he has done since his father the previous winner died in 1967.
7. Lady Marjorie Blahdeda will present the prizes for chrysanthemums and Dahlias. Her speech will never be less than twenty minutes.
8. Visiting the pub, you will be expected to buy drinks for all those at the bar, their wives and a bag of crisps for each of the attendant dogs minimum of 4.
9. You will not be allowed to add logs to the fire, poke the fire, or stand in front of the fire unless it is summer.
10. The pheasants, trout, salmon, hare, and rabbit do not come from any recognised butcher. Any illness and digestive problems are the consumer’s responsibility.
11. You will be expected to drive a 4×4 vehicle not less than 4 years old. This vehicle will be available on demand to ferry the football teams, Boy Scouts, girl guides and the aforementioned Secret Service in item 2. They will usually have large handbags.
12. You must not discuss the other new arrivals with the villagers.
13. There will usually be a swinger’s club first Wednesday of every month, it is expected that you bring your own bottle of baby oil, chains padlocks and handcuffs, spare keys for such devices must be left with the vicar who will be collecting entry fees on the door.